I had a strange flash of memory tonight. I don’t know why, but recollections of three conversations and an action popped into my head and made me realise how much I have changed in the last few years; probably not for the better.
In my second to last year of high school we went on Leadership Camp. The purpose of this was to prepare us for Year 13, where some of us would be prefects and student leaders. One of the activities we did on camp was to break into groups and, with each person having a turn at being the "target", go around and have 4 or 5 people say something they liked about them, or something good about their personality.
One thing I remember was how one girl said that although she had just spent three weeks on a trip to Japan with me (where our group was together pretty much the entire time), she had "never heard me bitch about anyone or have anything nasty to say". I wasn’t popular in high school, but after that day I thought "If that’s the impression I make on people, even ones who aren’t my friends, then apparently I’m doing something right!"
The second memory is also something said to me by someone I want to school with. Somehow the discussion came up (maybe facetiously) over whether or not I was a bitch. She commented that I was "often the person telling us to stop bitching about people". I wasn’t someone who thought her peers would listen to her, but I guess that after one incident at primary school where I DIDN’T stand up for a kid who was bullied1, I always felt like I had to. In case nobody else did.
In my last year of school, there was a running joke was that I knew ALL the gossip. Because I was so quiet, I could sit in the common room fading into the background of every conversation, but still hear everything! Although it was funny at the time, looking back on it now I realise that for people to feel comfortable "ignoring me" and continuing with their personal discussions in my presence, I must have had a certain vibe that implied I wasn’t interested in talking about them behind their backs.
The last thing that springs to mind is something that I became involved in quite unexpectedly. Being a reasonably small year group, AND being in the IB programme within that year group, I ended up being in EVERY SINGLE CLASS with a very small group of other girls. This was how I discovered that one of them was cutting. Although I wasn’t really friends with her I still decided to go and speak to a teacher who I knew was already aware of this student’s ongoing personal issues. Keeping that kind of thing to myself just didn’t sit right. Luckily this teacher understood that I did not wish to be identified as the person who had "told on" the girl, and agreed to lie and claim that it was HER who told her parents and the counsellor what was going on.
Before you all start thinking this is a self-congratulatory speel about "Look how awesome I am!" – I promise I am getting to the point!
In looking back on how I was several years ago, I realise I’m not like that anymore. It’s not as if I’ve suddenly flipped to the other end of the scale and started judging everybody I meet, but there have been several occasions where I have caught myself thinking (and sometimes saying) uncomplimentary things about other people. "Wow. She/he’s really unfriendly/mean/dumb!"
Old Holly would not only probably not have done that, she might even (if she was feeling brave), have stepped in and pointed out that comment was unfair. As for "interfering" in a situation like the one I encountered at school, I don’t know what I’d do now. Maybe I’d still do the same thing, or maybe I’d be more inclined to dither around and worry and overthink instead.
Does ANYBODY else identify with what I just wrote about? Do ANY other bloggers feel like they were nicer people several years ago? I hope this isn’t just part of growing out of being a teenager. I’ll be sad if this is normal.
- I still remember this vividly now, and often wonder what happened to that boy [↩]
